February 8th. 2013
There is a panic attack. There is a panic attack.
There is a panic attack. There is a panic attack.
It didn't come out of nothing. It was smoldering since a few
days, maybe since weeks.
I knew, because I always know. It's like being the director
of my own movie.
But this time it was different.
I had no place to hide. I had nobody to talk to, at least
nobody who knew what was going on.
I had to invent a sophism. Create a situation to mask the
reality, my reality at that particular moment in time. It happened before but
this time the panic was/is so severe and long in time, and created new
uncontrollable aftershocks that I decided to look for professional help.
You can inform your most intimate friends. You can even
expect them to comfort and support you but they should not become your
therapists. You need a therapist only for a short time in your life. Friendship
is a multi directional or at least a bilateral lifetime work.
It is March 14, 2013.
I performed a disastrous outbreak fed by new panic. Seems I
have destroyed one of my life lines.
My sheets are my shelter.
It is March 28, 2013.
After (only) two (confrontational) sessions with my therapist
some aspects of what is ongoing become a bit clearer.
I don't want to juggle with definitions and certainly not syndromes
or disorders.
I want to be able to manage the panic, live with it if necessary
but, controlling it instead of the panic taking over my life.
The chaos in my head is still a large gray mush far from seeing
the way out of a tunnel I still didn't find.
It is March 29, 2013.
I'm still in my shelter.
